On Grief and Loss

Why Can’t I “Get Over It” Already?

Common Misconceptions about Grief

In every day society we are confronted with messages about how we should and shouldn’t think, feel, and act based on preconceived notions of what it means to be successful in life. We are inundated with pressures to overhaul emotions in order to achieve “happiness” or that next best thing. Mantras like “get over it already,”  “just keep going,” “mind over matter,” and “fake it until you make it” teach us that if we just keep moving, just keep going, just keep reaching for something else - that it will all be okay; that we can be happy once we get that “thing,” and that whatever it is we are struggling with will soon no longer be reality.

That doesn’t apply to grief. Grief is not something you “get over.” Death changes things. A person you loved and cared for is no longer here. How can someone possibly get over that? No, grief doesn’t work that way. Despite efforts  to try to thwart the pain, to wait for time to pass, to keep moving so hopefully you’ll hit that fictional landmark time frame where it’s no longer affecting you-- it still pops up in surprising ways and at unpredictable times. That’s because there isn’t a time-line with grief (just like there isn’t a time-line for love - the two of which are ultimately interchangeable). Grief ebbs and flows and must be allowed to move in this way. It is a wave to ride, something that must be felt through, and it looks different for each individual.

For those in the depths of early grief, this may sound quite scary. In some ways its easier when experiencing deep pain to believe that you can get over it if you apply some mathematical formula to the process. But I write this to help bring  light and encouragement to those who, at times, wonder why they can’t get over their loss or, worse, who have others in their lives asking these questions of them. I am hoping and encouraging you to try to look at your grief, instead, not as an enemy but with some love and compassion. It is not necessarily something to conquer, but instead something to pay attention to and to nurture.

If you can, meet your grief with self love, compassion, and lean towards activities which might help you alleviate suffering as much as possible. These activities might include sleeping in or going to bed early, writing, creating, holding up boundaries to friends and family, and a myriad of other options. Lean toward anything that might give you some sense of temporary relief. Grief is something to tend to and requires soothing in order to help alleviate the pain. It is true, some days will feel heavier than others and that’s okay. It is okay to not be okay. Grief changes over time, day to day, and the specific relationship you have with it is unique. It is, afterall, a reflection of the deep love you have for the person who died. 

Be kind to yourself. Grief will change you and your relationship with it will change over time, too. But, just like with anything else that hurts, such as a cut or break in the skin, grief too requires attention and care. Lean toward self love and do only what feels right for you in the timing that is right for you.

Move through grief and let it move you.