Navigating Conflict in Relationships
Effective communication is key in any relationship, but especially when navigating conflict. Oftentimes when in deep conflict with someone we care about it is because a deep wound, either a past or new one, formed during that conflict. It is important to remember, and examine, this place of hurt especially when feeling emotionally charged from the conflict as it is likely that both parties feel wounded. Therefore both are equally in need of some TLC first in order to move into understanding and resolution. By focusing on ways of more effectively communicating in your relationships, you can help mitigate and resolve conflict while also working toward healing emotional wounds inflicted. This takes some practice, however, and does require that both parties be open to dialogue.
Some ways of communicating to manage conflict include:
Exploring the other person’s perspective, which includes trying to understand what might be hurting them, what they are trying to tell you underneath the surface, and why this is so important to them.
Listening. This refers to stepping back from your point of view and trying to hear what the other person is saying, both on the surface level and underneath the surface. You can ask yourself questions such as ‘what could be causing this?’, ‘What does this person need from me right now?’, and/or ‘What do I need to understand their perspective more?’
Taking a break. It is hard to be in a place of compassion when emotions are heightened. So if you are feeling overwhelmed, take a break from the discussion to clear your mind and take care of yourself. This can include going on a walk for a few minutes, writing in a journal, or practicing some form of exercise. This way you can enter the conflict with a clearer mind and communicate from a place that’s more aligned with your desired outcome.
Communicating from a place of love and feeling, rather than blame. This means focusing on how you are feeling and the way you are interpreting information shared through the use of “I feel” statements. Examples of such statements include “I feel scared when…,” or “Based on our discussion, what I am feeling is …”, or “The story I am telling myself is …”).
Checking for understanding. This requires reflective listening which means that you are engaged in making sure you understand the other persons perspective clearly and are also giving them an opportunity to correct any misconceptions being developed along the way. This can include questions such as “correct me if I am wrong, but what I am hearing is ...”, or “I am wondering if you can provide clarity around ...”, or “I am interpreting this to mean… is that accurate?’”
Communicating your wants and needs clearly. In any relationship, it is important to be clear about what you want and need. Once you understand where the other person is coming from, ask what they need from you and then also communicate your needs moving forward. Learning to ask yourself what it is you are needing in that moment to feel better and communicating that clearly to the other person can go a long way toward helping you both understand and meet each others needs moving forward. It also allows for more clarity as each person learns to manage expectations.