When support fades with time.
We rarely talk about this openly in society, but it comes up so much in sessions. When we are going through a hard thing, such as grief, loss, postpartum, or a new health diagnosis, support may show up in the beginning as the initial wave of news sets in. But the “hard” thing is rarely just a moment, it’s a season. It lasts much longer than that initial wave of support that may have —or for some may not have— shown up initially.
When support fades with time and yet we are left still coping with the unfathomable, it can bring up complex and confusing feelings. Some may be loneliness, anger or frustration, feelings of isolation when others don’t say the right things or support in the way we need, and/or feelings of being overlooked as people continue to live their lives and we are left to integrate this new reality into our daily living.
However, more times than not, people DO tend to care. So why does support feel like it fades? Well for one, people don’t always know how to show up for long term hard things. They don’t know what might be the “right” thing to say. Some may fear that bringing it up will bring you down, for example, rather than the opposite. Responsibilities also tend to pull people in many different directions and society as whole really doesn’t teach people how to support ongoing pain. Think of the mantras out there preaching the opposite of slowing down, human connection, and allowing time for healing. Peoples’ distance is usually more about a lack of tools rooted in society misconceptions rather than a lack of love or care for you.
So what can we do about it? Start small.
Recognize the feeling and explore what you might need to support it.
Seek out who in your circle you feel can most authentically show up for you.
Try naming the feeling and ask clearly for the support in whatever way that is needed (a walk, a phone call, a break, just to share not to fix things, etc).
Remember most people want to help. They just don’t always know how to show up in the best way.
If you don’t quite know what you need or who to share with, that’s okay too! Just starting to experiment with naming the feeling can be helpful. And, when you’re ready, even if it feels foreign to you, sharing that with a trusted someone may allow for deeper connection and authenticity to build while navigating a season of complex changes, loss, and identity shift.